Thursday, 02 August 2012
I started running every night recently as a way to get fit :). I've been running around 3km a day, and even though I hated running before I've actually gotten pretty addicted. Last night my brother joined me on my run, and it was cool to hang out with him haha. He taught me a few cwalking steps and I taught him some bboying, although we both suck at the respective dances XD.
I got back in touch with my ex recently after having blocked her for quite a while. Long story short, I learnt that she's dating someone new and he treats her really well, but that she's kinda emotionally cheating on him. I feel bad to say it but I was kinda glad...I had always felt inadequate, or like it was my fault that I wasn't there physically for her when she needed me, that I wasn't enough. But I realised that even if I were there, it wasn't really my problem that our relationship didn't work out...it was hers. I don't blame her for it...she has deep issues. I don't think means to act the way that she does. But I'm glad that I never moved to America for her...I would have regretted it.
Today's my fourth day of running, but tonight was different. I had felt really shit all day and when I started running and I saw the moon and the stars...I just thought of my ex, since she loved the moon and the stars. We used to joke around and say that we'd leave each other messages on the moon and talk through it even though we were so far apart. I just started crying...and running faster. I ran faster and faster and didn't pay attention to my body telling me that I could not cope with it. I needed to escape...
I ended up sitting on a climbing frame, and just staring up at the sky, crying. All these emotions just started pouring out...I think she broke my heart in ways that I never even realised. We've broken up for months now...but I think how our relationship ended just cut me deeper than I had realised. I still have loads of scars...
I ended up running a few more laps with teary eyes until I lay down on the ground, exhausted. I just looked up at the sky, and the clouds were so beautiful. I guess staring at the sky always helps to put things in perspective. I guess I realised I've been running from a lot of things. My past relationship, my studies, myself, but more importantly...I've been running from God.
I used to be a Christian...but I hated all the restrictions that it put on my life. I hated always having to treat people well, always having to spend Sundays at church, and most of all, giving up my life for Christ. These past few years I rejected God and I rejected Christianity, I just outright denied that it was real. But recently I've realised...I can't make it on my own. Sure, I can have fun? But the things that I choose for myself, never last. I always make bad choices and I don't have the strength to live like I should.
I've been having suicidal thoughts recently too. But idk. I just feel like it's God speaking to me...letting me know that I can't make it on my own. I always challenged him...I guess I always kinda knew he existed but I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own. But after these few years...I realise that I really can't. I've really messed up my studies, I chose a girl who just tore me apart...and I just feel terrible all the time. I think it's time to change my life.
Sorry to those who feel that I'm forcing my 'religion' on you. I'm not, I'm just sharing my experiences. Trust me, I'd be the last person to force this on you.
The clouds all blew away by the time I went back to take a photo. You can kinda see them in the distance though. I guess they had other people to meet :).
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