Thursday, 02 August 2012
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Running
I started running every night recently as a way to get fit :). I've been running around 3km a day, and even though I hated running before I've actually gotten pretty addicted. Last night my brother joined me on my run, and it was cool to hang out with him haha. He taught me a few cwalking steps and I taught him some bboying, although we both suck at the respective dances XD.
I got back in touch with my ex recently after having blocked her for quite a while. Long story short, I learnt that she's dating someone new and he treats her really well, but that she's kinda emotionally cheating on him. I feel bad to say it but I was kinda glad...I had always felt inadequate, or like it was my fault that I wasn't there physically for her when she needed me, that I wasn't enough. But I realised that even if I were there, it wasn't really my problem that our relationship didn't work out...it was hers. I don't blame her for it...she has deep issues. I don't think means to act the way that she does. But I'm glad that I never moved to America for her...I would have regretted it.
Today's my fourth day of running, but tonight was different. I had felt really shit all day and when I started running and I saw the moon and the stars...I just thought of my ex, since she loved the moon and the stars. We used to joke around and say that we'd leave each other messages on the moon and talk through it even though we were so far apart. I just started crying...and running faster. I ran faster and faster and didn't pay attention to my body telling me that I could not cope with it. I needed to escape...
I ended up sitting on a climbing frame, and just staring up at the sky, crying. All these emotions just started pouring out...I think she broke my heart in ways that I never even realised. We've broken up for months now...but I think how our relationship ended just cut me deeper than I had realised. I still have loads of scars...
I ended up running a few more laps with teary eyes until I lay down on the ground, exhausted. I just looked up at the sky, and the clouds were so beautiful. I guess staring at the sky always helps to put things in perspective. I guess I realised I've been running from a lot of things. My past relationship, my studies, myself, but more importantly...I've been running from God.
I used to be a Christian...but I hated all the restrictions that it put on my life. I hated always having to treat people well, always having to spend Sundays at church, and most of all, giving up my life for Christ. These past few years I rejected God and I rejected Christianity, I just outright denied that it was real. But recently I've realised...I can't make it on my own. Sure, I can have fun? But the things that I choose for myself, never last. I always make bad choices and I don't have the strength to live like I should.
I've been having suicidal thoughts recently too. But idk. I just feel like it's God speaking to me...letting me know that I can't make it on my own. I always challenged him...I guess I always kinda knew he existed but I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own. But after these few years...I realise that I really can't. I've really messed up my studies, I chose a girl who just tore me apart...and I just feel terrible all the time. I think it's time to change my life.
Sorry to those who feel that I'm forcing my 'religion' on you. I'm not, I'm just sharing my experiences. Trust me, I'd be the last person to force this on you.
The clouds all blew away by the time I went back to take a photo. You can kinda see them in the distance though. I guess they had other people to meet :).
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Comments (14)
no Christian has a perfect life. I think every Christian has a time when they challenge GOD, it's not a bad thing. How do you know it exists, if you can't even question and find answers? I'm glad you're coming to realize that we're nothing if not for Him.
XD
It sounds like running is helping you to process. I run too and I always sort of think it gets rid of toxins in my body, physical as well as emotional. What you said about suicidal thoughts scared me. I hope you will talk to somebody about how you are feeling and hope it gets better soon.
As for your ex, they say ending a relationship causes a grief process, similar to losing somebody you love to death. And with grief, the thing about it is you have to go through it. It can hit you in waves, triggered by the most unexpected things. But getting through it helps you heal.
You weren't forcing religion on anybody. You were describing your experience. I think it's human nature to think about spiritual things and to evolve, and it's smart to do what feels right.
I think this was a lovely post, and I like the picture. I hope the run helped, and thanks for sharing this. You seem like a wonderful person and the more I get to know you the more I like you.
I miss running, I should start up again soon too.
@sabbygurl - :) I think he wanted to show me that too. I was raised a Christian and I didn't quite realise how he's always been there for me if I haven't experienced life without him.
@EmilyandAtticus - I think so too. I feel so good when I run...you get like a sense of achievement that you don't get otherwise, right? I think I'll be okay...it's just sometimes I feel really upset with myself and worthless, but I don't think I could ever commit suicide. Sometimes I think I'd rather be dead...but I wouldn't do that to my family and friends.
Yeah it was really weird how my ex hit me like that. I thought I was over her already :l but I just started crying and I knew it was about her. I do feel better today though :)!! And...thanks! You're so understanding ^_^ <3.
I was kinda disappointed with the picture because it doesn't really show what I saw at all. But I guess without a nice camera, it's the best I can do. But pictures can never quite capture the full beauty of nature anyway I guess. Like...the full sky just being everything that you see? You can only experience that haha. And AWWWH! That's so sweet :)...but I really like you already Emily :P. You're a kind person, but also very smart and logical. Kinda rare.
@eatandrant - DO IT. It's so addictive...I'm so addicted right now haha.
And I know how it feels when everything is messed up and torn .But other than moving on, we don't have any other options, do we?
I think the end of relationships always leave more scars than you know, and you find them sometimes a long time after the breakup and realize how significant that person was to you. It just means you loved with your heart, and that's always something to be happy about. As for Christianity, I completely understand the restrictions and that feeling it sometimes imposes upon you when you're just growing up and trying to figure things out for yourself. It took me awhile to find that balance, and I wish you the best luck as you figure out yours. :) Chin up!
@someoneontheearth - I used to hate it so much but I've grown to really love it. I think I'd be upset if I didn't get to run. I'm glad I inspired you though, you should do it. Just girls need to be a bit safer while running...being a girl kinda sucks. The worst that can happen to me late at night is getting mugged or something.
And nope, we don't have any other options. I hope you're doing well though :) if you ever wanna talk about anything let me know ok? Reading your blog I've seen that you've been through a lot recently :( -hug-
@suuperstar - Thanks :)! I will definitely keep my chin up. I think running also helps with that too...running with your head up and chest up just makes you feel so strong. I did love her with my heart, but idk any more if she loved me with hers. It doesn't matter anyway, I did my best right?
I really ought to go running too. I remember running a mile every Friday. It felt so good and refreshing. Takes a lot of things off my mind.
I hope you're not feeling suicidal anymore. Just remember it's always just a temporary feeling. *hugs*
Reading this post made me think about religion and Christianity deeply again. The topic of religion in general has been going through my mind lately. I kind of want to go back to church but I don't know if I really want to... it just feels as though as I get older, I believe less and less of God but at the same time, it makes me miss Him even more. I really do want to get in touch with him.
@clubsmiley - Do it :). I've been running a mile every day, it feels so so good <3. My knee hurts today though so I've gotta take a break for a while :l. I don't feel suicidal any more...thanks <3. -hug-
That's good~ Maybe you should just go back and give it a try. If you want to get in touch with him and he's real, then he'll talk to you if you're open to him c:.
@someoneontheearth - Yeah I guess. There are always good things, but it does really kinda suck sometimes. Mhm! I hope so too ^^
GL with the running. Yeah, I think it is comforting to find out that once you get out of a relationship people are still assholes. It let's you see them from a different perspective and be glad you're not with them anymore.
Be strong, and follow the road you want to walk in strength, not in weakness. Don't go back to Christianity if it's a crutch- go back if that's where you become strong. I went through a similar struggle, and have chosen to walk another path and am very happy with that choice. Everyone is different.
@ShimmerBodyCream - True story :).
@secade - I was talking with my mum about this today. It's a hard topic.
@Kiwis248 - Do it :).